I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
