He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
