4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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