I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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