called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
