when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
