is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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