I skipped work to stalk him.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
