Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
