i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
