And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
