I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The air was thick with penises
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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