Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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