so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
