I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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