She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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