he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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