My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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