Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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