sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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