My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
