then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
