im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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