Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
