Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
