im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
