OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
