On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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