I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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