I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
