I think I died a long time ago.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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