My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
