I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
