I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
