Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
