you traded sex for a burrito?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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