watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
