dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
