I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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