I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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