problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
