If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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