I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
