Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
