Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
