8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
