All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
