Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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