smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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