so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
