i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just want nice things and good sex
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
